The Surrender: A Journey to Reprogram My Nervous System.
It was a little slice of heaven... Until it wasn't.
The end of 2022 long-awaited newsletter.
I decided to let go of social media, and media in general for the rest of the year (and I even feel this will extend all of 2023), I vowed I would have more fun with my newfound time. And it’s been quite the adventure, and by adventure, I don’t always mean that it’s been easy or fun, but I definitely see it as an adventure. Here are some funny stories that I’ll be sharing in the next few letters.
1. Scott and I drove over an hour to return clothing that was too big (that’s sweet news) and showed up at the mall for it to be the only store that was closed. #WTF
2. I hand-made Pasta and failed. Hard! To the point where Scott pretty much instantaneously spit it out of his mouth.
3. I ordered a lot of Kakao1 to offer Heart Circles and gathering to have reached out to. Well, no one about space rental. #kakaohoarder
And #4 is the story I want to share today, an official surrender to my body.
I’ve always said I wanted life to be adventurous, but I never really thought this was the type of adventure I would encounter.
Our bodies have a way of telling us when we're doing too much, when we have unresolved conflict, when we are people pleasers and when our belief systems are no longer aligned with who we are.
And this for me, this is the straw that broke the camel's back.
For our once-a-month out-of-town adventure, we stayed in a beautiful luxury resort in southern Ontario; the one where we have the water views, the fireplace, and those expensive sheets. I felt like a bawler (is this even still a term we use? Anyways…) When we drove into this property it was like I had reached heaven right here in my home province. Walking into the lobby, the Christmas lights were on, the music was soothing, the restaurant was beautifully decorated and everyone was beautifully dressed, and the ambiance was on point for a well-needed relaxation.
I had been downplaying how I had been feeling and the stress I felt regularly, and while wearing my “I’m an independent woman pants”, I didn’t allow it to affect my day-to-day operations and so it was easy to hide. Yet, it was clear that my nervous system was on over-drive, and that I had neglected some really important healing work from emotional events that happened during the year. The emotional stress and upsets that I had avoided looking at were pilling onto an already fragile me. On the first night of our getaway, everything was so lovely and the high of a new resort flowed through my body. After having a good night's rest, I woke to a cup of my favorite hot drink: Kakao, and journaling (of course). We spent the rest of the day shopping, eating Italian food & Costco Ice cream (because that’s my favorite), and exploring the area. We even manifested free wine from the management of the resort! It was unexpected and such a cherry on top of our day.
We decided to order some stone pizza around 7:30 pm, the reviews were bumping and it was late at night, might as well stick on the Italian train. Remember how I said I had downplayed my emotional stability and my nervous system overdrive, yeah.
When we got to the parking lot, my car dinged with the low tire light.
And it set me over the edge, my nervous system went to the roof, and my anxiety shot up with it. We were meant to pick up this pizza 5 mins before closing time (7:55 pm), and here we are blowing a tire in the dark, with an air compressor (thank God for those) in the middle of nowhere in a city I didn’t know with a tire that may or may not have a flat. Oh boy… here we go. My heart raced, the tears flowed, my overwhelm rose to my throat, and I could feel the adrenaline flowing through my veins. I wanted to cancel the pizza, I wanted to curl up in a bawl in the closet and never come out. I felt awful, and I couldn’t calm myself the way I was used to deep breaths and mindfulness. Nothing was working. A program was running and I had no control over it. I knew I had officially gone over the edge.
Our limbic brain and our emotional system are fascinating on so many different fronts. There are so many layers to this part of us that is considered human. And I’m all for learning, growth, and evolution but at this moment nail-biting, fatty food, and movies are the perfect self-soothing/coping mechanism for this very apparent nervous system collapse.
We blew the tire, I prayed to God it was a fluke, and we were on our way to get pizza. On the 20 mins drive, I didn’t say a word, I knew I had to change the ways I was handling life, stress, and trauma. I took long deep breaths, and I prayed. It felt really hard. Looking back at it now, I realize how brave I was to keep going, to reach our destination even though things seemed almost impossible at the moment. A lot of the time in my 20’s I would have thrown in the towel, and let the emotions take over my decision-making process. But this was a “commitment” that I had intended to follow through, knowing and understanding that things do happen, and being late was not the worst thing. The thing that worried me was how I was reacting to the situation, and how my body automatically signaled “danger! danger! danger!” and it felt like I didn’t have control.
When we finally got back to the resort, pizza in hand, I was able to relax, breathe better and reflect on how I was going to change things in my life, how I was going to heal this trauma, and how I would rewire my nervous system.
I knew the answer wasn’t coming that night, but I knew that if I paid attention enough God would send me the tools I didn’t know I needed to heal. This is (and was) a somatic issue, it’s body programming, and it won’t go away by simply talking about it. I’ve realized this month that our bodily programming can play a huge part in our happiness and overall health.
Here are the methods that have been helpful to reprogram - and break the habit of being me.
Trauma Release Exercises
Kakao Journaling Sessions
Germanic New Medicine Learning and Reading
Vitamins that lower Cortisol such as Vitamin C, Magnesium, and Vitamin D
Devote some time for relaxation practices: a hot bath, steam room, Naps (just to name a few)…
Our bodies hold on to so much, and this last month has been a test to see what I’ve been holding onto, why I’ve been gaining weight, why my acne is flaring up, why I have digestive issues, why I’m jumpy and on high alert all the time and why my autoimmune system is on high gear.
Having a jovial, vital life is important to me, and even when nutrition is on point… our nervous system will still play the programs it's been conditioned to play unless we make some changes. A healthy diet is always helpful when we speak of the preservation of life, but our nervous system is what also keeps us thriving (not just surviving).
Without us realizing it, our nervous system impacts EVERYTHING - How we create money, what we chose to buy, why we chose to buy it, our healthy aging habits and decisions, our sleep patterns, our relationships, our reaction to life events, our manifestation, and our connection to nature, God, and ourselves.
Do I still want to avoid what my nervous system is telling or do I want to hold bigger and better opportunities?
Love Steph xo
Contemplation: What has your nervous system been telling you? Where do you override the warning signs just to keep the appearances? Where in your life have you been just surviving? What parts do you need to start thriving? or paying attention too? Have you heard of the term Fascia? What do you believe about your body’s ability to heal?
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